Mad Dog 20 20

"I have judged this man harshly"
was the last thing I heard.
I haven't heard anything since.

I don't think he thought I was still there.
I think he thought I was JJ.

I said some horrible things back in 97
that are not here for people to evaluate
I know apologizes are not enough
and I take full responsibility for what I said

I am sorry if it is not supposed to do that,
that is what it is doing.

Every article I ever read on the shit,
says it is as subtle as a horse tranquilizer.

I am here to get well.
I am not here to satisfy your curiosity.

You would not question a heart patient,
or a cancer patient,
if they complained about common side effects.

There is no freedom.
Where is freedom in America?

Try to speak your mind, and they use word verification on your ass.

When it comes to the Constitution,
we either mean it or we don't.

I guess "see ya" does not count.

Thank God he died.
I do not know what would have happened.

How can you get involved like that,
and then say "see ya".

Yall were playing psychological games with me.
I know I would have lost it anyway,
but it didn't feel that way back then.

Please, I am not Jesus.

They think I am Jesus.
They think I need to learn to help myself.
They are forcing him to make mistakes and it is not nice.

How can God trust me to do the right thing,
if I do things for my own selfish reasons?
Any little thing could set me off.

I don't know.
They equate me with Jesus.
They are trying to teach me the lessons
they are trying to teach him.

I asked the lord for the job.
If he wants to take it away from me so be it.
I am not jumping cars over this shit.

I need a job to keep me out of trouble.
It is in everybody's best interest that I have a job.

You said "see ya" and I freaked out.
I really wanted you in my life.
I knew without you was going to be really bad.

My guardian angel warned the Catholic Church before that happened.
Guardian angels know how to do that.

April the 3rd is forever going to be a very powerful one.

If I were nothing why would this matter to me?
I could say "this is silly" and move on.
The spirit wants something from me.
I can only hope to meet its expectations.

They believe in me enough,
they want me to stand up and fight you,
and I don't want to do that.

It would be sad to suffer this long
and waste it on a loosing proposition.

It is about this life
and what it means to me,
what I want people to remember.
For if they don't,
it is just going to repeat over and over again,
and that is the worst,
even if it isn't happening to me personally.

I wish I could go to the movies at 1:30

Jesus said it on the cross.
"It is finished."

It is just my story.
This is the way stories are told nowadays.

Too much easy living.
I can't formulate a paragraph,
much less a book.

We don't have to compete to get stuff out there.
Everybody is published.

They aren't burning the books,
they are burning the writers.

On 9-11 I said "I am not divine"
and that happened long before
I realized there was a conflict between the KJV and The Good News.

Can't you see?
It is about what a person can do and what they can't.
True Christians ARE walking twilight zones.
That's why we have the KJV to begin with.
It is Halloween candy.

It is Mad Dog 20 20.
It is not the real thing.

If it happened to you like it happened to me,
you would understand.

I am just the unlucky man who got caught in the conflict.
A conflict that started long before I was even born.

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The Lily White Alternative

That is what I have been trying to tell him.
There are people down there.
I am the only one who ever goes down there.
They think I am the only one that cares about them.

When things go south you go south.

I go south.
I consider it my job to go as far south as I can go.

I don't care if you don't care about them,
I care about them.

Ok they need to rock out.
I won't worry about them anymore.

That happened to me several years ago.
I thought you knew.

That happened back in 97.
I started wondering if it didn't happen
or did I just not remember it.

I take what people give me,
and turn it into weapons to vent my hostility.

In the wrong hands
these atypicals are like weapons grade plutonium.

I guess schizophrenics
are people who insist they remember everything.

When the doctor said I had quadrophrenia
I thought he knew I thought syphilis was an imaginary disease.
I came about that by thinking I might not remember everything.

I tried to claim the blog was just mine,
indicating Henry wasn't involved.

I meant it to be both of ours,
but he is hung up on copyrights and wouldn't contribute.
I told him no one reads those darn things,
but he won't listen.
He is hung up on copyrighting everything.

I don't know.
God is mad at him.
The computer wouldn't let me do it.

I don't think God thought David was here.
I think he thought David was purely JJ.

These are the times.
This is the way people communicate now.

What can I say?
He is a firm believer in the lily white alternative.

It is a struggle to be lily white,
and it shouldn't be ignored and ridiculed.

Nobody believes in the lily white alternative anymore.

They are itching for a fight.
They don't understand why I don't stand up and fight the asshole.

I am not God.
He can do things I cannot do.
I am sorry he is so political.
He is set firm and I don't want to get in a conflict.
If you don't want, need, or deserve a God,
Tell him yourself.

You think God is a crutch for weak minded fools.
I know you.
Now know yourself.

It is a rampant disaster.

If you are anthropic,
nothing happened until the sixth day.

Some quantity that must be produced for things to split like that?

For a universe to give off another universe
takes a certain amount of decision energy?

Decision energy is the idea
that if the many worlds interpretation is correct
there is enormous energy involved in our decisions.

Is it dark energy?
Because energy can neither be created or destroyed,
There would be an enormous amount of uncharacteristic energy
that could only be seen mathematically.

I agree,
it is dangerous for dreamers to fool around with this shit,
but maybe it needed to happen.

If God is mad at you, that is between you and God.
It is not my place to intercede on your behalf.
You have Jesus for that.

I am the beloved unlucky man.
That is all I am.
I feel for people who are living with lemons.
Even if it is their fault.

I didn't do it to pick a fight.
I had a frightening vision and got scared.

But the world does revolve around me.

I know that is offensive.
I wish it wasn't true.
I didn't always feel that way.

I guess that happens when you go this far south.

I am a victim of what I am studying.

The Sun doesn't create energy,
it releases energy.

Maybe I did
Maybe the time wave did not hit me.

If I do end up being the Antichrist,
There is a lot of people who really know me are going to be pissed.

Either way I won't have to do this again.

It isn't a light cone.
It is an event cone.

You cant be serious.
Lord what an idiot.

The Strawberry Club

What motivates me?
I must really think I am somebody to get into this kind of trouble.

If every decision splits into a parallel universe,
What happens to the Sun?
What happens in Andromeda?
These are serious questions.

Anything that can happen has already happened,
and you really have to bust the odds for shit like that to happen.

It is like rouge waves,
It is real,
It happens.

There is a difference between what can take place,
what will take place,
and what must take place.
It is a power that makes hydrogen bombs look like tinker toys.

Quit on a holiday.
Years later it will be easier to remember what day you quit.

I don't like this new doctor.
This medicine lights me up like a Christmas tree,
and she is in complete denial about it.

Why is it automatically my fault?
She is the friggen doctor.
You want me off my damn meds?
God forbid something happen and I can't get my clozaril.
You will see what it is like without them.
you wont mistake me for not being on my meds anymore.
If I am off my meds you are going to friggen know it.
and its all yalls damn fault.

It is that friggen bad damn it
and you are in complete denial about it.

I told you what happened and you don't friggen believe me.
You are going to know it when I am off my meds.
Everybody is going to know it.
Pray that I can continue to get my medicine.
Pray really hard.

Here I am scared to death that I might miss my medicine,
and they don't think I am taking the damn shit.

I am a clozaril ghost.
jesus cant you friggen see that?

I am legitimately concerned about my medication
and yall think I am not taking it.
It is an insult.

Sometimes "why" feeds on itself and causes disasters.

I hope I am not the only one who learns that shit.

It aint going to be easy.
I aint going to let you have the satisfaction of it being easy with me.

I want us to learn something.

This shit is messy.
People's souls get wasted over this shit.

You are never going to understand it
in the manner you understand things.

The more decisions you make
the more you are able to make.
Decisions should open you up,
not narrow you down.

Wow,
I need to stop picking my nose.

In the middle of it all two pretty girls took me to the movies.
What more could a guy ask for?
I guess I am screwy.

They think I am in denial about being gay,
and that God is a figment of my imagination.

I say I was never given the opportunity
to make up my own mind about it.

No you don't understand assholes,
this ball started rolling in 1978.

I would much rather get caught up in a woman that doesn't love me,
than suck somebody's dick and take it up the ass.

Please forgive me
My sexuality is fucked up.
I don't know anything else.

I thought ten years was enough.

It is one thing to be obsessed with someone.
It is a whole other thing to think that person loves you.
It is a slippery slope.
I could have gotten in serious trouble.
I chose to play it safe.

I did not want to say goodbye,
I really thought she loved me.
I was on a slippery slope.
I chose to put the ball in her court.
I never though in a hundred years it would end up this way.

She got herself involved by keeping me on the air,
by having that conversation with me.
She remembers it.
I'm spotty.

There is shit happening that I don't remember.

The way her rules go,
I guess I am not supposed to put the ball in her court like that.
I am not big on rules.
I want her to take a risk.
I want her to show vulnerability.
The way her rules go,
She aint supposed to do that I guess.
It leads to a bad relationship.
I really thought she loved me.
I never thought this would happen in a hundred years.

I guess She believes in rules.
I guess She follows rules.
I don't.
I guess she thinks,
if we don't do it the right way,
it would lead to an abusive relationship.
Maybe she is right, I don't know.

Does she feel for me at all?
I am this way because it is safe.
It is safe to want someone you can't have.

I am not playing by the rules.
I don't know there are any rules.
Mother Nature doesn't listen.
Father Time doesn't care.

The question is...
Can we be under time reversal and not know it?

If everything has already happened,
it isn't an issue of changing anything,
it is an issue of moving from one to the other.

Like I said,
it is easier to do something you didn't do,
than to undo something you did.
Of course from her perspective,
I have already done it.
I may never know what I did that I didn't do,
but it has clearly happened.

They can't give me a B.
It is unfair to those that did their homework.

I don't know.
To me it seems there would be enormous energy in our decisions
that is just not there.

Its not like I had a credit card.
I would have had to go out of my way,
and I just don't remember it.
In fact it is something that I remember distinctly not doing.

Do I just not remember it,
or did it not happen?
This is a question that happens to a lot of people.
The result?
We couldn't be more separated if there were a brick wall.

Where does all that decision energy go?
Why don't we see it?

This is what happens to people like us.
We get stuck singing to each other.

Rule #12
Time travelers don't do their homework.
If he wants to do his homework,
who am I to tell him no?

Purposefully not doing something is an open door.

I don't know
we deal with odds of a billion to one all the time,
and we don't see decision energy.
At some point it throws a breaker
I don't know where it trips.

My advice?
If you don't want a wall between you and the people you love,
don't fool around with it.

It causes a blip on his radar.
It gets his attention.
Like something funky growing in the petri dish.

God is a reality some people don't want to wake up to.

They are having too much fun playing sick jokes on each other.

I guess my burning Revelation was a distress call.
It brought God into my life.

I know better than to take on God.
Responsibility is the worse thing that can happen to you.

You don't have to burn Revelation.
If you are in distress,
put a loaf of bread in the microwave.

Everyone needs a distress call.

Even Pookie bites my toes when I forget to feed him.

A fight broke out
and someone knocked me over the head with a chair.