The Endless Question

I live in a special little hell.
My reward for breaking too many hearts.

It wasn't fun and games.
For me it was never fun and games.

Why dominates my life.
I can't settle for love.

I want to know why.
It is not fun when you can't get over that.

What does she know?
Why did she turn the music on me?

It kills me to listen, but I listen anyway.
It is all I have.

That and this damn blog.
How can I give up on my blog?

I want it to mean something.
Not paragraph after paragraph of mindless drivel.

I write sentences because that is what it is.
A sentence, my special little hell.

Maybe I can reach the next guy.

If I am here to build a wall, lets build a wall.
Sentence after sentence.
Maybe in the end it will mean something.

I am not here to complain.
Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate what I have been given.
Even if it is not what I wanted.

Well maybe I need this.
Maybe someone else needs it too.

Her whole live must revolve around saving me from myself.
God what a tragedy.

I feel her wanting me to talk to her.
This is the only way I know how.

Thank God for the internet.
Maybe she will get some relief.

I am shifting gears.
I am moving in a new direction.
I like this sentence after sentence shit.

This is life in the 21st century.
Everything seems the same, but somethings changed.

I will never get used to judgment.
It is just not in my blood.

I appreciate what it is there for,
although I don't know if I will ever be truly sorry.

The thunder makes me wonder.
I know people say it is only a noise,
but it is very disconcerting to have something like that.

Who are my people?
What did God give it to me for?
Who am I supposed to be?

I want you to understand and love me.

People won't tell me the truth about it.
They think I am better off not knowing.

I don't mean to be self important.
I think we would lose a lot if I let go of this.

I know it doesn't look like much,
but it is more than it appears to be.

My music was supposed to fix it,
but the powers that be wouldn't let it.

I gave them the fix and they didn't use it.
They knew what it was for.

What can I say?
They like things the way they are.

Something from me,
anything from me would have stopped this mess.

But they didn't trust me.
They didn't like the idea of me in that position.

I wanted to herald in a new century,
and they wouldn't let me do it.

"Don't get any big ideas, it is never going to happen."
So use Victoria Williams I don't give a crap.

I know you think I feel self important,
but to me it is common sense.

I am sorry.
Our relationship doesn't mean that much to me.

I have the chance to hold the south and build a library,
and I am supposed to give that up for a pubescent dream?

I have grown up.
That shit doesn't matter to me anymore.

There was a time when it did,
and you didn't do the right thing.
So deal with it.

I am going to have it my way or not at all.
See how you like it.

Common sense says if you write someone a letter
and they don't write back that person doesn't love you.

I am sorry if it sounded conflicted or sent a mixed message.

What am I supposed to do?
You didn't love me.
I am doing the best I can.

Kim put her heart out there,
and I just trampled all over it.

She didn't want to be second best.
Nobody does.

She is the one that took me aside and asked me my life story.
I thought she gave a damn.

I am a writer.
I sound that way when I write.
It is a gift.

It is a God given talent.
I am well adjusted.
I just sound maniacal.

I wanted to be with you.
You made me feel good.
You made me happy.
I know I am screwed up.

I am too self important.
I can't let go.

I don't mean to be self important,
but I am a universal figure.

Something I did had a universal impact.
You know it.
I don't have to prove it to anybody.

She is trying to cover me and she can't
It is never going to happen.

by January 19th it was too late.

If she wants to cover me,
she must do it before I write that program.
After that it is too late.

I wouldn't mind being covered
if I understood that was happening.
It is too late now though.

All of this because of a computer program I wrote in High School.
I know it sounds incredulous.

They think I am mad at women.
They think I am too self important to let go.
Somebody knows the truth about this shit.

Cover, I can deal with.
Superimposed, that shit aint happening.

y2k is the only thing I can think of
that would have had a universal impact so early

I try to stick to what is plausible,
I think if she could cover me it would have happened by now.

I am sorry this happened sweetheart.
What would you do
if some maniac who called himself Meglodave solved y2k?

I may not be a household name,
but it was my reality when I contributed it to the body of Christ.

No wonder I am going crazy.
There is nothing friggen wrong with me.

I may have had a psychotic break.
but I really did write that y2k thing,
and this math shit is real.

Nobody did their research to figure out what the heck was going on.
The answer was there the whole time.

When I found out, I reasoned
and did what I needed to do with it.
What more can you ask for?

Now that is being responsible.

Apparently I was behind Lark the whole time.

Did I scare the living crap out of you?
Good.
You aint supposed to be doing that shit anyway.

Just because it is a gift,
doesn't give you the right to be irresponsible with it.

Yall are the ones that kept playing.
I told you I was behind Lark a long time ago.

He collects people like me,
and he is really good at it.

You are right.
I am better behind somebody.