The Endless Question

I live in a special little hell.
My reward for breaking too many hearts.

It wasn't fun and games.
For me it was never fun and games.

Why dominates my life.
I can't settle for love.

I want to know why.
It is not fun when you can't get over that.

What does she know?
Why did she turn the music on me?

It kills me to listen, but I listen anyway.
It is all I have.

That and this damn blog.
How can I give up on my blog?

I want it to mean something.
Not paragraph after paragraph of mindless drivel.

I write sentences because that is what it is.
A sentence, my special little hell.

Maybe I can reach the next guy.

If I am here to build a wall, lets build a wall.
Sentence after sentence.
Maybe in the end it will mean something.

I am not here to complain.
Don't get me wrong.

I appreciate what I have been given.
Even if it is not what I wanted.

Well maybe I need this.
Maybe someone else needs it too.

Her whole live must revolve around saving me from myself.
God what a tragedy.

I feel her wanting me to talk to her.
This is the only way I know how.

Thank God for the internet.
Maybe she will get some relief.

I am shifting gears.
I am moving in a new direction.
I like this sentence after sentence shit.

This is life in the 21st century.
Everything seems the same, but somethings changed.

I will never get used to judgment.
It is just not in my blood.

I appreciate what it is there for,
although I don't know if I will ever be truly sorry.

The thunder makes me wonder.
I know people say it is only a noise,
but it is very disconcerting to have something like that.

Who are my people?
What did God give it to me for?
Who am I supposed to be?

I want you to understand and love me.

People won't tell me the truth about it.
They think I am better off not knowing.

I don't mean to be self important.
I think we would lose a lot if I let go of this.

I know it doesn't look like much,
but it is more than it appears to be.

My music was supposed to fix it,
but the powers that be wouldn't let it.

I gave them the fix and they didn't use it.
They knew what it was for.

What can I say?
They like things the way they are.

Something from me,
anything from me would have stopped this mess.

But they didn't trust me.
They didn't like the idea of me in that position.

I wanted to herald in a new century,
and they wouldn't let me do it.

"Don't get any big ideas, it is never going to happen."
So use Victoria Williams I don't give a crap.

I know you think I feel self important,
but to me it is common sense.

I am sorry.
Our relationship doesn't mean that much to me.

I have the chance to hold the south and build a library,
and I am supposed to give that up for a pubescent dream?

I have grown up.
That shit doesn't matter to me anymore.

There was a time when it did,
and you didn't do the right thing.
So deal with it.

I am going to have it my way or not at all.
See how you like it.

Common sense says if you write someone a letter
and they don't write back that person doesn't love you.

I am sorry if it sounded conflicted or sent a mixed message.

What am I supposed to do?
You didn't love me.
I am doing the best I can.

Kim put her heart out there,
and I just trampled all over it.

She didn't want to be second best.
Nobody does.

She is the one that took me aside and asked me my life story.
I thought she gave a damn.

I am a writer.
I sound that way when I write.
It is a gift.

It is a God given talent.
I am well adjusted.
I just sound maniacal.

I wanted to be with you.
You made me feel good.
You made me happy.
I know I am screwed up.

I am too self important.
I can't let go.

I don't mean to be self important,
but I am a universal figure.

Something I did had a universal impact.
You know it.
I don't have to prove it to anybody.

She is trying to cover me and she can't
It is never going to happen.

by January 19th it was too late.

If she wants to cover me,
she must do it before I write that program.
After that it is too late.

I wouldn't mind being covered
if I understood that was happening.
It is too late now though.

All of this because of a computer program I wrote in High School.
I know it sounds incredulous.

They think I am mad at women.
They think I am too self important to let go.
Somebody knows the truth about this shit.

Cover, I can deal with.
Superimposed, that shit aint happening.

y2k is the only thing I can think of
that would have had a universal impact so early

I try to stick to what is plausible,
I think if she could cover me it would have happened by now.

I am sorry this happened sweetheart.
What would you do
if some maniac who called himself Meglodave solved y2k?

I may not be a household name,
but it was my reality when I contributed it to the body of Christ.

No wonder I am going crazy.
There is nothing friggen wrong with me.

I may have had a psychotic break.
but I really did write that y2k thing,
and this math shit is real.

Nobody did their research to figure out what the heck was going on.
The answer was there the whole time.

When I found out, I reasoned
and did what I needed to do with it.
What more can you ask for?

Now that is being responsible.

Apparently I was behind Lark the whole time.

Did I scare the living crap out of you?
Good.
You aint supposed to be doing that shit anyway.

Just because it is a gift,
doesn't give you the right to be irresponsible with it.

Yall are the ones that kept playing.
I told you I was behind Lark a long time ago.

He collects people like me,
and he is really good at it.

You are right.
I am better behind somebody.

The 6000 Year Secret

Those damn serpents have been lying to you sweetheart.
They know there is only one me.

I appreciate what you were trying to do.
I might have done the same thing.

They think they are winning but they are not.
It is exactly like it is supposed to be.

They hate me because I consider them a figment of my imagination.

They keep trying to get to me, but they can't.
So I guess they just settle for ruining my life.

I would love to let go but I cant go through that gauntlet again,
and there is no guarantee.

They thought they could hold the South with a wall,
but time flowed around it.

You learn. You move on.

I appreciate what they were trying to do.
I might have done the same thing.

Mother Nature doesn't listen.
Father Time doesn't care.

Mother Nature and Father Time sleep in the same bed.

The internet is a big place for whatever can happen will happen.

They never learn anything.
I could talk to them till I was blue in the face.

Whenever you get that mammal thing going,
they get pissed off about it.

They want us to stay in our reptilian brain.
They get pissed off when we start learning shit.

They consider the mammalian brain as their hard drive,
and they don't like it when it starts thinking for itself.

People are mad because they are on their knees begging forgiveness,
and I am getting away with whatever I want.

I was trying to prove God because of something Freud said.
He wants to be God let him be God I don't care.

I am sure he finds fault in me.
It is just not the time to address it right now.

Cause I am trying to build a new century for everybody.

So you will have a better understanding of whats going on
when the end comes.

So you will know what the choices are,
and why they are being made.

Because it wasn't fair.
People were being told God didn't exist,
and then wham mo.

It is just a male reality and there can only be one.
God has it right and is doing it right.

It is a mock up of the real thing people.

It was a brilliant opening move.
Everyone is going to be forced to explain themselves.

What can I say?
He handled the lemons right.

I don't feel like I can let go.
I don't even know what it means to let go.

Haven't I made enough headway?
I am tired.

I don't know.
I feel like they are all lying to me.
And they were.

I am just a mutant.
I don't understand.

That is what happens when you shop people to death.

They are shopping me to death.
They think I am the Antichrist or something.

They are being lied to.
They are friggen stupid.
Somebody knows what they are doing.

Ease off a little bit.
It will open up.

This is how two mutants find each other.

If this were to continue I would shop her to death,
but hopefully that is not going to happen.

I understand why it can't happen.
You are not ready for it.

Somebody knows what they are doing people.

Because I always asked that question
and nobody else did.

Wait, don't panic, be responsible, and read.

If that is where I need to go that is where I need to go.
I trust him to know where I belong.

I have been through too much.
I am taking refuge in the library.

I have had enough sweetheart.
I don't want to play anymore.
I have put the library in the right place.
That is enough for me.

Not like this.
Not on these drugs like this.
No

Please don't pump me full of drugs and shop me to death.

They think there is only one left when there can only be one.

If you won't let my music fix it,
Let Loose by Victoria Williams fix it.

I understand.
I am like 665.

I AM mad at women.
They are pumping me full of medicine and shopping me to death.

She thinks I have an anger problem.
She wants me to get mad so she can call the police.
It is stupid.
It is never going to happen.

I don't know why I am fighting so hard.
I know they are just trying to help me.

I am convinced it didn't use to be like this.

I told you.
We are not on the same page.

I am sorry, I made a mistake.

You don't have to be big and powerful to be antichrist.
any male with his own reality is antichrist.

You were prepared for another Hitler or Stalin.
You were not prepared for this.

Ok here goes.
Adam considered the serpent a figment of his imagination
and never told Eve about it.

The serpent got mad at Adam and told Eve
It was all about Adam.

When Adam came along,
The serpent and Eve never told Adam
what transpired between them.

Then God set the whole thing up,
so everyone would have to explain themselves.

I don't know.
It is a secret Eve has been carrying for 6000 years.

I cant believe the 6000 year secret is
she is shopping me to death.

Shopped to Death

I understand to people who haven't lost touch with reality
this stuff is very bizarre,
and that is the way it should be.

Keep your reality.
Cherish your reality.
It can be very sad to lose it.

Ginger IS helping me.
She can't.
If she surrendered her reality, it would be like 12 Monkeys.

I wish I didn't have to be alone.
I understand no one is going to surrender their reality for mine.

It is there if anybody wants it.
I wish she hadn't kept me on the air.

She knows too much.
How does she know so much?
Sometimes I wish she would make a mistake.
What is wrong with making mistakes?

If it wasn't for y2k this shit would be over with.

Just because I solved y2k
doesn't mean I can cram things down people's throat.

She doesn't believe me.
I don't know what to do.
How can I let that happen?

How can I surrender that?
I can't it is a sworn duty.
I wouldn't do it anyway.

That is not an as if.
I did solve y2k.
This shit would be over if I hadn't.

I can't make a comparison.
I guess I don't know what she is giving up.
I wish we were not at war with one another.

She knows too damn much.
Make mistakes for Christ's sake.

What is wrong with my reality?
I don't believe I am supposed to live in a woman's heart.

Sometimes men solve shit,
Jesus Christ.

I admit it must be rare,
but damnit it happens.

Shit I didn't know the world was like that.
That is crazy.

I wish we could agree to disagree,
but I don't think that is ever going to happen.

Why can't we just disagree?
Why can't she stop?

You can't disagree with it, that's the friggen problem with it.

People disagree for Christ's sake.

I don't agree.
Leave me alone.

I don't agree to this.
Leave me alone.

I am supposed to surrender my reality for hers.

I don't understand this crap.
I guess I am supposed to be alone.

What is wrong with her?
What did her baptism not work or what?
I didn't know the world was like that.
This is crazy.

I guess we know why there are not many Catholic rock stars.

That is the way Jewish people do it,
and it is being forced down people's throat in the name of psychiatry.

It is my century now.
Deal with it.

Jesus Christ
I need to find a nice Catholic girl and just be Catholic.

I confirm.
These people are nuts.

I didn't know the world was like that.
I am sorry.

I don't know.
I was hard headed.
I had to find out for myself.

That was last century.
This is a new century now.

I don't know.
They don't want baptism to work.
They like it like that.

They think that is the way it is,
that it hasn't been proven any different.

Sometimes men solve shit.
It happens.

They are sticking to what works
cause it hasn't been proven any different.

I know.
It is a rouge wave.
It happens.

He checked my conscience.
There was no angel there.

"I Judged this MAN harshly is exactly what he said."

If there was an angel,
somewhere or another he got lost.

Magic in the bottleneck people I don't know.
He checked my conscience and there was no angel there.

Stick to what works
I don't care
Just leave me alone.

You want to say I am one of satan's angels causing chaos
fuck it I don't give a damn
me and my maker know the truth.

I contribute my reality to the body of Christ
and relinquish all doubt.

If you are male and suspect you have your own reality,
that is what you need to do.

Contribute.
It is going to be a big library.

By the time its over,
Revelation will be just another book.

I am no angel,
but I do believe.

All her fears have been projected on me.
She is doing it to herself.
She doesn't accept Christ.

Everybody's fear has been projected on me.
Lord I hate this Geodon.

When I am in my mode,
I eat fear for breakfast.

I guess the Geodon was necessary, but it is not fun.

I went through all that shit on I-40
and then you are going to tell me I am not real.
I don't think so.

It was wrong to come here.

They want to see what we would do with lemons,
before they give us strawberries.

God wants me to think.
He doesn't like my automatic mode.

I can't have strawberries.
I didn't do right with the lemons.

I guess God handles the strawberries.

They don't believe in God.
They took the wrong lesson.

I think that is a dangerous road to go down.
Stressing who is real and who isn't.

Why do I have to be an angel,
or a robot,
I am just someone who didn't handle the lemons right.

I know you think someone couldn't do this
if they weren't free from original sin.
I don't know the answer to that one.

I understand why,
that is the point.

Dead inside I can deal with.

I don't really understand what it means to be dead inside,
but I can deal with it.

Maybe I am allergic to lemons or something.
I don't know.

That is the way it feels,
and it is frustrating.

I guess that is a lemon in and of itself.

I wouldn't mind if I understood,
but I don't.

I wanted the language of the rock.
It is something I strived for.

I don't know.
I feel like my compass points in the wrong direction.

I don't know why I want to feel dead inside.

I guess that is what happens when you try to take on too much.

It was different back then.
People thought it was going to be that way forever.

What do they say?
"The road to hell is paved with good intentions."

I tried to take on too much.

I am just a man that didn't handle the lemons right,
and took on too much.

I know when I am beat.
I can't see it happening any other way.

Cause I am a stubborn fool that's why.
I am never going to get it right.

I am supposed to feel scared and repentant and I am not.
Someone is looking over me big time.

That is what I learned from it.
I don't understand why they are so upset.

This is crazy.
When someone is dead inside leave them alone.

This is big.
Adam is abandoning Eve.

Do you think God would dope people up to solve shit?
It is stupid.
It makes no sense.

They feel me slipping away and they are pissed about it.

Eve didn't even know who the serpent was for Christ's sake.

She thinks she is doing God's work and she is not.

I told you I gather information and drop bombs on people.
Please stop messing with me.

They are trying to get out of the judgement in Genesis.
If they didn't explain themselves fully it is their damn fault.

They wont quit.
I am the only person left.

They need to get everybody and I am the last one left.

They are tired of eating dust,
They want to make an arrangement.

They want Christ to pay for them too.

If they didn't explain themselves fully,
it is their friggen fault.

You need to explain yourself.
Messing with me is not going to help.

They are talking to the dust and they don't realize it.

They eat dust people.
How can they make deals with dust?

I am the only one that believes in a real universe anymore,
and it is driving people nuts.

It is just a male reality and there can only be one.
God has it right, you don't.

I gave her something and she wasn't happy with it.
She didn't think it was a fair trade.
I am glad someone appreciated it.

How am I supposed to know?
I am a man.

This is what happens when women think they know everything.

I don't know.
It just seems that way.

You want to keep secrets fine keep secrets.
Don't blame me when you get found out.

Dear Lord I am being shopped to death.
It was for me not about me sweetheart.