to the one I love

I felt very conflicted. I did not like the way i was feeling. The paranoia. The sexual arousal. The anxiety. It was also very traumatic to learn that my perceptions were not correct and that they disturbed you. I felt out of control. I was scared. I didn't understand what was going on. I wanted it to stop. I wanted desperately to gain control over my life. It took several years to come out of the fugue, but by then it was too late. The trauma had led me to chose a carrer I was not well suited for. The constant stress eventually pushed me over the edge. Over the past ten years events have brought things into sharper and sharper focus, however, with each revelation, I relive the trauma all over again. I feel you have been there waiting for me to end this fiasco. Perhaps it will one day. I certainly hope so. I wish I had been a better friend. That I had not felt the need to push. Somewhere in my mind there is a memory of a poem I wrote that you asked me for and I gave it too you. I hope you would print this out and keep it and remember others to me so that this mistake might not happen again.

love david